Kitchen Nightmares
by SageK
Summary: Liam really should have known better than to rope Theo into cooking a pack dinner and then not telling him what he should cook….Disclaimer: Honestly, this is just a mess. I haven't tried any of the horror creations in this fic, so descriptions of the dishes were taken from articles on Cracked. Search Recipes, the articles are genius.


"What the hell was that about?"

Liam turned to look at Theo with a mildly guilty expression, but rallied and crossed his arms. "They keep treating me like a kid. I can take care of myself."

The older boy cocked a brow at him. "And just how does that translate into hosting a pack dinner party?"

After graduating from high school, Liam, Mason and Corey were all planning to matriculate at Brookwood College, which was only a 20 minute drive from Beacon Hills. None of them wanted to stay at home, but dorm life wasn't exactly supernatural friendly. Surprisingly, Derek Hale had offered a solution, apartments in one of the renovated mill buildings he owned downtown at a reduced rent price. Mason and Corey were delighted to share and Liam had managed to cajole (badger) Theo into rooming with him.

The first few weeks went very smoothly, all of them working summer jobs (or just a regular job in Theo's case)...but then the rest of the pack came home from summer vacation.

"Stiles said I'm going to get scurvy!"

* * *

Theo nodded, agreeing with that assessment. "You can't cook and all you eat is ramen, take out and candy, so….."

"Not all of us are on a raw diet, sorry," the beta wolf grumped, looking suspiciously close to a pout.

"Oh yeah, raw fruit and veggies, so strange," Theo retorted, rolling his eyes. Maybe the raw meat was a little odd, but he stuck with beef, game and sushi. Raw poultry and pork was just nasty. "Again, you can't cook, so what are you doing for dinner?"

Liam had already set the stove on fire two times and Mason and Corey had supported Theo's rule that he was no longer allowed to use any appliances other than the microwave.

"I figured you could cook," Liam said brightly, giving Theo a hopeful, wide eyed expression.

The little bastard…..

* * *

He may have gotten roped into cooking for this dinner party of the damned, but Theo decided he didn't have to play nice about it. One thing he had learned over the years was the value of having a plan...and the value of subtle revenge.

His online research had netted some truest horrific old timey recipes from the 1940'2-1970's. Each one he found seemed more wretched than the last and seeing the variety of monstrosities laid out before him made the Chimera grin with satisfaction.

Earlier in the day, when faced with the possibility of being conscripted to help chop veggies, Liam had fled the apartment, which was what Theo had hoped he would do. It left him alone to cook and allowed the menu to be a surprise.

Minutes before their guests were due to arrive, Liam had returned, Mason and Corey in tow. When they saw the folding table laden with edible 'candles', appetizers and salads (he'd bring the rest out later), they froze, eyes wide, mouths gaping open. He was quite proud of the way confusion and horror warred for dominance on their faces and that none of them managed a word before the rest of the pack began arriving.

The expression on Derek's face when he took a deep breath made Theo wish he'd gotten this all on film.

"I thought you knew how to cook!?" Liam hissed as the rest of the pack and assorted other friends peered at the spread.

Theo blinked innocently. "I do. I mean, the Dread Doctors didn't exactly do family meal time, but there was an old cookbook in the lab. I figured out how to feed myself with it," he said, knowing Liam tended to back the fuck away from any conversation that hinted at Theo's Terrible and Traumatic Upbringing ™.

"What...ah, what is all this?" Scott asked diplomatically, looking mildly nauseous. Liam looked a bit green himself while Corey and Mason looked disgusted but fascinated. Nolan was probably going to puke and Jace looked like he was considering if maybe running from the hunters wasn't a better lifestyle choice. Stiles seemed stunned while Lydia had a slim hand covering her mouth. Malia was creeping closer to the table while Derek's looked like he hated them all. Parrish was clearly contemplating escape while The Sheriff, Mrs. McCall and Mr. Argent all looked vaguely tired/amused/repulsed and Peter...was smirking.

Ah, the asshole had figured it out.

Thankfully, the older werewolf seemed inclined to watch the chaos unfold rather than rat him out.

"I made a bunch of the recipes I remember liking," Theo said earnestly. "There were a lot of experiments that didn't work out, but the kitchen here is way better than the one in the sewer."

To be honest, he'd eaten a lot of raw fruits and veggies when he'd lived with the Dread Doctors. There had been a moldy old cookbook but he'd preferred the raw food.

"What is this?" Malia demanded, poking a dish. "Hey! It moves!"

"Monterey Souffle Salad," Theo said, stepping over and scooping some onto his plate. The 1960's were a cursed time, he thought, looking down at the concoction which had resulted from mixing mayonnaise, lemon juice, jello, tuna, stuffed olives, celery, onions and pimentos and letting that all set. The mutant lump of albacore was emitting an intense tuna scent that made him gag internally, but he forced himself to take a bite. "Everything on the table is at least partially edible."

As Malia sampled the 'salad' without complaint, the others began to approach. "Partially edible?" Stiles asked, then blinked. "What's with the NSFW bananas?"

"Banana Candles," Theo said with a grin. They had been made at the last minute too. It was simple to halve large bananas and fit them into pre-cut rings of pineapple so they stood upright. Garnishing they with a dollop of mayo and a maraschino cherry was the final touch. As Stiles said, they did look like little cum covered dicks. "They're fine to eat, but I'd avoid the actual candles in the center of the Cranberry Candles!"

The Cranberry-Mayo Candles had been the first thing Theo had made for the dinner. The initial mix of cranberry juice, orange jello and lemon juice had actually smelled nice, but that had been short lived, killed when the mayonnaise was introduced to the mix. Additional orange bits didn't help and blending it all up with bologna into a meat smoothie was just awful. He'd tried not to breathe as he'd stirred walnuts and whole cranberries into the mix. After it had set, the pillar plopped out and he rammed a tapered candle into the center of the candle. They didn't actually look terrible and the Sheriff tentatively dragged a cracker along the side of one, making it more popular than the banana candles.

Lydia and Melissa were tentatively examining the Prawn Stuffed Apples, which had been the easier appetizer to make. He'd just scooped out the center of the fruit and replaced it with an amalgam of mayonnaise, tomato puree, tobasco, gherkins, olives, shrimp, parsley and prayers to a god he was sure had long since abandoned him. Once the poor apples were stuffed, the top was garnished with a simple prawn.

Derek looked like he was contemplating making a break for it out of the nearest window. Peter was bent over, eye level with the Snowy Chicken Confetti Salad, a mess that seemed like a Cobb salad that had a thing for defiling marshmallow fluff.

The Liver Sausage was getting a lot of attention, and considering how much work he'd put into it, he was pleased. First he'd had to blend gelatin, liver sausage and mayo into a vomitous miasma. Then that mess got poured into a mold until it set. The resulting tower of meat sludge was nasty even before he frosted it with yellow dyed mayonnaise, studded it with olives and topped it with the top of an actual pineapple.

Every fiber of his being was screaming that a mixture of mayo/meat/gelatin was wrong, but...that was kind of the point. He was pleased to see that the majority of the pack looked appropriately horrified, though Malia was eating some.

Parish was braving a bite of the Lime Cheese Salad. By the time Theo had gotten to that recipe, Theo was questioning his own sanity and why the majority of these recipes seemed to be Jello based, but it was too late to stop. Compared to the other concoctions, the mix of lime jello, pineapple, cream cheese, cream and walnuts wasn't too bad.

Eventually, everyone tried at least one dish, most of them looking far from happy.

Through a mouthful of Liver Sausage and Mayonnaise, Stiles said, "I'm getting you two cooking lessons for Christmas."

"It's not terrible," his father said, though the man had wisely scraped off the majority of mayo before eating the liver.

Between Derek, Malia and Peter, the liver actually seemed to disappear pretty quickly.

The looks of dread on everyone's faces were amazing when Theo announced, "Entree time."

As he brought each dish in, the expressions got even better.

"That looks like it came from the movie Hook. You know, the food the Lost Boys eat?" Scott said as he looked down at the Sandwich Loaf. The dish was a horror of bread crusts glooped together with a salmon/lemon juice/mayo/celery/scallion paste, layered with slurries of cream cheese/onions/walnuts/sour cream and egg/pimento/mayo/cream cheese. All that mess was frosted with a mixture of mayo and cream cheese dyed green and yellow...resulting in something that, if Theo was asked, looked like the results of someone having disemboweled Squidward.

"There's an unnerving amount of Jello involved in these recipes," Mason commented, backing away from the Pressed Ox Tongue. That was smart. Over the course of Theo's life, he'd done lots of things that, upon reflection, did not make him feel good. Peeling a boiled ox tongue was now on that list, though for a different reason than the rest. He'd almost gagged doing it, then rolled it like a cinnamon bun and stuffed it into a bowl before covering it on meat flavored jello.

Theo shrugged as he cut himself a slice of the Super Supper Salad Loaf. The hardest part of making this dish had been convincing the guy at the deli that he wanted a whole fucking log of bologna. It was basically a small child's weight in processed meat. Coring that bad boy out and filling it with a mix of gelatin, mayo, mashed peas and minced onions had been easy. He let it set and then decorated the top with mayo, peas and radishes. Together, the ingredients didn't sound too bad, but...there was something off about it.

Across the table, Chris Argent seemed appalled by The Ham and Banana Hollandaise. Individually, all the components were just fine (thought Theo didn't like the texture of hollandaise sauce - or mayonnaise in general) but together...it was a disgusting mess. A massacre of helpless bananas. The only reason he'd even made it was because the recipe had been from McCall's Great American Recipe Collection, 1973. He couldn't resist a little in joke and the fact that it grossed out a hunter was a compliment.

Under Lydia's shocked gaze, Malia was eating the glace fish mold. Why anyone had thought it was a good idea to jelloize fish was beyond Theo, but some lunatic in the 1960's had come up with Glace fish mold. He imagined the sadistic fucker hated their family and had decided to feed them this pimento infused garbage fish as punishment. Really, it was the only explanation for dumping tuna, pimento, olives, cucumber and celery into red, flavorless gelatin and putting it into a fish shaped mold. Decorating it with olives to simulate eyes pleading for a merciful death was a particularly demented touch.

"This is some kind of joke, right?" Stiles asked, sounding hopeful as he poked a fork at the Frankfurter Spectacular. When the recipe clearly stated "DO NOT ALLOW 2OZ FOR SHRINKAGE" and the attached photo looked like someone with a prolapsed colon was attempting to shit a palm tree, Theo knew this dish was going to be a winner. It actually wasn't too sickening, the presentation was just off putting. All it consisted of was a bunch of sliced, boiled hot dogs wrapped around spiced apples, carrots and pineapples. Topped with another pineapple head of course.

In the end, even the wolves wouldn't touch the Ox Tongue and Stiles and Nolan had both gagged on the Banana/Ham monstrosity.

Liam had been muttering unhappily and glaring at Theo, but that strangely stopped when Theo began eating one of the hot dogs from the now deconstructed weiner tower. The Chimera filed away that blush for later contemplation.

Everyone thought the meal was over and he announced, "I hope you all saved room for dessert."

He wasn't sure who whimpered.

"No more Jello," Corey groaned when he saw the Frosted Lime Walnut Salad. Dessert had actually been a joy to make, mostly due to the lack of meat or mayonaise. Seriously, Theo might have shed a tear of relief. Plus, he'd felt vaguely like a witch, stirring a boiling pot of green lime Jello, pineapple, cottage cheese, celery and walnuts. When the mix had set and cooled, it had been frosted with cream cheese and Theo thought it had the potential to be edible.

"I like the Jello," Malia told him, the only one present who actually seemed to be enjoying herself. "More food should move."

The Beer & Kraut Fudge Cake had begun as a nice chocolate cake batter...until he poured beer into it. Theo figured getting it drunk was the least he could do before subjecting it to the sauerkraut Sure, it looked normal when done and frosted, but lurking under that pretty exterior was something heinous….

He set the fudgy concoction down and watched the carnage.

"I don't know what's happening in my mouth," Scott said around a bite of cake. "It's chocolate, which is good, but…."

"Something about it is very, very bad," Stiles agreed, then jabbed fingers at Liam and Theo. "I still say this disaster means you are incapable of feeding yourselves."

"Hey!" Theo protested, eating part of a some Lime Walnut Salad. "I can cook perfectly fine. Not my fault you don't like my recipes."

Not long after that, everyone cleared out, looking vaguely nauseous. Malia took the remains of the Super Supper Salad Loaf with her.

In the silence of the apartment, Liam faked a yawn. "I'm beat, I think I'm gonna…."

"I cooked, you clean."

Theo made sure his tone brooked no argument and Liam wisely chose not to argue, shuffling into the kitchen.

* * *

The next morning, Theo was seated at the kitchen counter, sipping a smoothie made of fresh OJ, frozen mango, barley grass juice powder and chia, when Liam wandered in, still looking half asleep.

"Has anyone been emailing you recipes?" the Beta Wolf asked, rubbing his eyes. "Mine's been blowing up all night. I basically have a cookbook in my phone now that's titled NO FUCKING JELLO OR MAYO."

Theo sipped his green juice and nodded.

"Some look really good. I'm gonna try to make French Toast."

"You're banned from using the stove," Theo pointed out, which made Liam pout.

"Well, I have to figure it out or we're going to starve," he grumbled. "Now, why would I grease a pan? Won't it slip off of the stove?"

Heaving a sigh, Theo said, "You know, I can cook just fine when I want to. When I'm not being forced to cook for people I don't want to cook for. People you volunteered me to cook for but gave no directions to what I should make."

Liam stood there for a long moment, blinking and clutching a loaf of Wonder Bread...which he then smacked Theo over the head with.

"You jerk!" Liam yelped, processed bread flying everywhere as Theo laughed. "Are you kidding me?!"

Wheezing, Theo giggled. "Careful, or I won't make you French Toast."

That made Liam pause. "You'll make me French Toast?"

Theo shrugged. "Well, yeah, I offered...guess I like you."

"Guess I like you too."

They stood there sharing some intense eye contact until Theo cleared his throat. "Grab the good bread off of the top shelf of the cabinet."

Furrowing his brow, Liam said, "Why is it up there? I'll have to climb on the counter to see it."

"That's the point."

A stray slice of white bread hit Theo in the ear as he turned to grab the eggs from the fridge, making him laugh.


End file.
